Since I have been sucking in a tremendous way in the bloggy world lately I think it might be time to reward everyone with a horribly embarrassing story. Two, actually. These are my favs and go much better with spoken word, but I will do my best.

So, once upon a time...before I had my two little cuties, I had more time and money so I enjoyed martial arts quite a bit, in particular Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai kickboxing. I’m not nearly the bad ass that makes me sound. I said I enjoyed it, not that I was good at it. For those that don’t know what Jiu Jitsu is, it is like the UFC fights only no punching, kicking, or blood. More like wrestling but fantastic self defense for women. Seriously ladies, there is no better method in my opinion because you train with mostly men and it’s all rolling around on the ground. When a woman is attacked, well, usually it’s by a man and it ends up on the ground.

Anyway, on to the fun stuff. If you’ve read my blog you have probably seen this and know that beans are not my friend. Well, I was in the gym training with a guy I had not met before and we were learning a new move. In this move you end up with the back of you’re thigh on the other persons head to hold them down. We practiced back and forth for a while and then I took the last turn I was going to take that day. I was doing the move wonderfully, everything seemed to be flowing right. I just got into place and had his head trapped with my thigh. Then it happened. I dropped the bomb. Right.In.His.Face. I mean really, my butt was basically on his ear. He tapped out so fast it was pretty impressive.

You’ll remember the part where I said I hadn’t met this guy before. Didn’t even know his name. Can anyone top that? Please oh please let me hear it if you can. Oh wait, I can.

For my next trick I will tell you about the time I nearly became a prostitute.

I used to be a valet attendant at a pretty large hotel and on this day I was giving the incoming people their claim checks to get their cars back. On these tickets we write down some info about the car: make, color, damage et cetera. Another part of my job was to help the guest with whatever they needed to start their stay at the hotel: directions, baggage handler, shuttle service and all that. However; the kind of service I tried to offer this particular guy was certainly not in my job description.

I did the normal thing and after he had his ticket I was moving on to the next car. When a car pulled in, I would stand at the front to write down what I needed to. This car was an H2 and on the front grill it says ‘Hummer’ in big letters. Can anyone guess how this is going to play into my next conversation? I bet you can’t.

The guy from the first car comes up to tell me he has luggage and he is checking in. Something I hadn’t noticed before. What I meant to say was, ‘Oh, did you need a bellman?’ What I said instead was, ‘Oh, did you need a hummer?’

Ah crap. Of course his eyes got rather large and he smiled when he said, ‘Wow, this is going to be a great weekend!’ I tried to explain for about two seconds but quickly gave up and walked away shaking my head.

I told that story later to my mom and thank goodness my sister was there because I wasn’t about to answer her when she asked what a hummer was.

I dare anyone to top those two stories.