…and I’m not sure how I feel about it. (Ha, I didn’t think weirdness was a word but my spell checker says it is.) The first guy I ever dated and slept with just sent me a friend request via Crackbook. He can’t see the picture very well and doesn’t know for sure if it’s me so I could just ignore it. A lot has happened in the fourteen years since then and it would be interesting to catch up, but for me there is a sort of weird history there. I’m pretty sure he didn’t view the relationship the same way I did. Well, actually I know he didn’t. First, I was eighteen and he was twenty-nine. Hello…

Through no fault of his I felt trapped into the relationship from the start. He wanted to go out and I felt obligated. I never even gave the guy a clue so I’ve never blamed him for anything. Like a shockingly large part of the population I was molested as a child and didn’t learn until much later in life that I was allowed to say to a man what I did and did not want. So, things with this guy just sort of progressed and I let it without feeling able to stop it. Let me reiterate that I did so in a way that he had no idea I wanted anything other than how the relationship was going. He was kind and I believe he truly cared for me and would have been horrified and felt awful had he known any of what was going on in my mind. I just wasn’t strong enough to tell him.

I did break it off with him after a while (less than a year I think) but only because I had my out. I decided to move out of state and didn’t want a long distance relationship. It’s not that I moved to get away from him, that was just a bonus. When I look back on it I feel bad for him, I didn’t do either one of us any justice at the time. I feel I was able to learn from that relationship and it helped move me farther down a road that I needed to be on. It certainly helped me to be a woman who can say no, or yes, as the case may be. I’ve also been able to give full disclosure to Jay about being molested so I feel comfortable letting him know if I’m having a freak out moment.

So, short story long, I don’t know how I feel about letting this guy back into my world. It’s not like he is looking for a date, he’s married now. And like I said, he had no idea any of that was going on with me. This would give me an opportunity to tell him about it someday, but should I. It would probably do me some good but I don’t know if that is enough to make it okay. I believe that I have a right, as does everyone, to protect myself and get my issues solved. But not necessarily at the expense of someone who is innocent. And for anyone who doubts that he is innocent, or thinks that he should have caught on, I am a fabulous actress when it comes to how I feel or what I want. Seriously, I could win awards.

Now, lets add a bit more to the story just for fun. This guy was a good friend of my sister and brother-in-law’s back then. It’s how we met. They lost contact over the years as people do and he doesn’t know that my brother-in-law passed away a couple years ago. When we made all those awful calls we didn’t have his contact info and it got less and less important over time. Now that he is here in my computer it seems a good time to let him know. So, I should respond to his email.

My goodness there is more going on in my head right now than I can type. My first thought was how Jay would feel about me catching up with someone I had slept with before. He said he’s good so there goes my easy out. One thing I am happy about as I think more on it is that I’m looking forward to having a real conversation about this with him tonight. That I feel comfortable with it and want to. I’m not sure I have even really talked with my best friend about it, and she knows most every thought in my head.

After getting all this out I think I’m going to let this guy know he has the right person. I wonder for a minute why he looked me up, but I googled him before so can’t say too much about that. This should be an interesting trip down memory lane.